August 23, 2011
“It’s not our style [signing a player like Harry Kewell]. For us it’s just about being a club that is built on some pretty strong basics. No single player is bigger than the club and that’s our focus… Victory has taken a different pathway, but our goal is to uncover the next Harry Kewell. Our direction is to bring young talent through. We are in this for the long haul. The circus comes to town and then leaves.” - Morwell Heart CEO Scott Munn
July 2, 2012
“Morwell Heart FC is delighted to confirm the signing of defender Steven Gray (30) for the Hyundai A-League 2012/13 season.”
July 16, 2012
“Heart sends out feelers to tempt striker Michael Owen (33)” - The Age
July 23, 2012
“Morwell Heart have bolstered their attacking arsenal with the signing of Dylan Macallister (30).” - Herald Sun
August 23, 2012
“Morwell Heart is poised to sign former Socceroo Richard Garcia, subject to the injury-plagued 30-year-old passing a medical.” - The Age
September 22, 2012
“Of course we’d want a player of Michael Ballack’s (36) class and quality, but we have a clear plan and clear demonstration of youth development.” - Heart CEO Scott Munn.
October 16, 2012
“Morwell Heart have confirmed they have signed former Socceroo Vince Grella (33) on a one-year deal.” - Morwell Heart FC Press Release
November 20, 2012
“Morwell Heart will today lodge what it claims is a compelling offer to lure English football star David Beckham (37) to the A-League club.” - Herald Sun
November 21, 2012
“Morwell Heart last night submitted a bid for superstar David Beckham. The Herald Sun understands Heart has tabled an $1.7 million offer for a 10-game guest player appearance from January 18.”
November 22, 2012
“Harry Kewell is a fantastic footballer, but you can’t compare him to David Beckham on the world stage. He (Beckham) is, apart from Lionel Messi, the biggest name in the game and would be a fantastic asset.” - Heart CEO Scott Munn.
December 21, 2012
“Some may define clubs by their win-loss record in any given season or by bums on seats on any given week. Heart knows these metrics will fluctuate in the short-term, so our vision must go beyond this. We must build beyond winning at all costs and seeking short-term gimmickry to spike crowds because we believe in what we are building.” - Heart Head Coach Cashmere John.
January 28, 2013
”Morwell Heart FC confirms Vince Grella (33) will retire from professional football effective immediately.” - Morwell Heart FC Press Release
February 1, 2013
“Heart has enquired about uncontracted Socceroo left back David Carney (30)” - Herald Sun
February 1, 2013
“Former England captain David Beckham has given the A-League a miss and is set to join big-spending French side Paris St Germain” - The Age
February 14, 2013
“I don’t sign the players,” Aloisi said. “I get asked if I would like a player and I was asked a couple of days ago if I’d like Lucas Neill. Someone like him would be great for our side – captain of Australia, a leader on the park, great to have for the younger boys.” - Cashmere John
February 17, 2013
“Morwell Heart chief Scott Munn said his team was delighted to get the chance to take on Socceroos skipper Luca$$$h Neill in his first A-League game next weekend after the veteran defender spurned the Melbourne club and opted for his home-town team of Bling FC” - The Age
May 20, 2013
”Melbourne Heart have secured the services of 28-year-old veteran Massimo Murdocca after the midfielder was granted a release from the final year of his Brisbane Roar contract.” - Sportal.com.au
May 28, 2013
”We are keen to sign (Kewell), but no deal has been done. We believe he’d be a fantastic addition and we need players with a winner’s mentality.” - Morwell Heart CEO Scott Munn
May 31, 2013
Munn also confirmed the club had made an official offer to Norwich City for 32 year old striker Grant Holt and that despite reports that deal had been rejected, it was not yet “dead in the water” - The World Game
June 5, 2013
“Heart coach John Aloisi was thrilled to announce the 34-year-old Kewell - will wear the number 10 shirt - for the 2013-2014 campaign.” - The World Game
June 5, 2013
“Everyone at the club is impressed with Harry’s positive mindset and motivations for coming to Melbourne Heart. He is very keen to work with Cashmere John and achieve success alongside him; he absolutely loves the city of Melbourne and, significantly, he has a desire to work closely to develop our younger players.” - Scott Munn
After Grandpa Arnold’s uncharacteristic cheerleading that followed Melbourne Victory’s entertaining draw with the Marinaters on Saturday night, some might say it would be harsh, mean or even a little bit gutless of The Ancelottery to simply gloss over both team’s excellent first-half performances in favour of ridiculing Victory’s “schoolboy” defending, Mat Ryan’s self-professed “custard wrists” or Archie Thomspon’s unfortunate gastro-induced bedroom rearrangement. And so with the kind of lazy predictability for which we’re becoming renown, that’s exactly what we just did.
Meanwhile over at Newcastle’s Hunter Stadium, there was ultimate failure in the Record breaking attempt for the World’s biggest slumber party. Despite a very strong start which saw the 13,000 participants hit levels of sleep-inducing boredom not seen since New Zealand Knights took to the field, the snoozefest was interrupted by some unusual late occurrences otherwise known as “face thwack”, “comical misses” and “things of indistinct interest”.
Popular travelling entertainers, Bling FC Comedy Roadshow, turned up in Brisbane on Friday night to amuse a bumper Roarcelona crowd. The amassed bandwagoners, who were hoping for a jaw-dropping performance from Seb Ryall and Co., sadly had to put up with The Del Piero Effect™ scoring two cracking goals. But while the tubby Italian may well be, “the only one that has any clear idea of the game,” he’s not in the same league as Bling’s defenders in terms of pure entertainment.
Erroneous juggler, Ivan Necevski, got the show started with a hilarious routine of gaffes, watching a tame cross sail past him into the corner of the net, before dropping a weak shot at the feet of Erik Portaloo® for an easy finish. This was quickly followed up by popular double-act, McClenno & Emmo, whose unique slapstick routine saw them both tripping over their over-sized clown shoes to let Besart Berisha waltz through to score a fourth. Encore defenders! Encore!!
“It was not a bad game, but not enough,” The Del Piero Effect™ said post-game, ducking to avoid another misplaced Terry McHack pass.
Finally, the race to sign perfumer, underwear ambassador and best-selling author, David Beckham (48), is on!
Morwell Heart have “crunched some marquee numbers” and are looking to expand their youth development policy by having Vinnie Grella (52), “pick him up from the airport, carry his suitcase and massage his feet before each game.”
Perth Glory Chief Executive, Paul Kelly, says they’d be “mad not to seriously consider David Beckham.” While the Herald Sun reports that the Central Coast Marinaters have emerged as serious contenders for Beckham’s signature, with ad guru John Singleton throwing his “financial clout behind the club” to put “the Central Coast on the world stage.”
But not everyone is as convinced about the potential move. “We don’t really need David Beckham,” Fox Sports chief executive Patrick Delany said. ”But we’re a hip country with a hip league,” he down-with-the-kids’d, before asking, “What’s not to like about coming here in summer to play soccer?”
We’ll let ad guru, John Singleton, make his pitch for that one - “(Gosford’s) struggled for too long with unemployment, a high suicide rate and 40,000 locals who travel to Sydney every day because it’s the only place they can find work.”
That’ll seal the deal.
Round 3 saw A-league coaches do what they do best - peddle cheap tawdry excuses for their sides inability to take three points. Central Coast boss, Grandpa Arnold, donned his grey overalls and pointed the blamethrower firmly in the direction of Ben “Average” Williams and his sackable refereeing performance, while John Aloisi thought that running around in 29 degrees was an unreasonable ask for well-paid, professional athletes - “it’s too hot” he whinged as Dougie the Pizza Boy took his order.
But neither coach could top Rado Vidosic’s attempted reasoning behind his men’s failure to take three points at The Cake Tin. “This is the place where you can’t really prepare for… the grass… it’s very different,” he said, somehow managing to keep a straight face.
Rado will of course find consolation in the fact that his side gets to play Western Zagreb Unicorns this Saturday, on the plush green turf of SunCorp Stadium, where naked flesh is protected by a soft, cushioning top soil; where the ball bounces right and true, and where each blade of grass kisses the studs of Besart Berisha’s boot as he rolls theatrically over and over.
Speaking of which, The Del Piero Effect™, who was last seen clutching his shin after tumbling over stationery objects, will now no longer be the only Serie A midfielder who stands around the centre circle shaking his head at his peers as the numbers on his bank balance spiral like one of those high speed train station ticker boards you just don’t see any more.
Former Empoli midfielder Vince Grella, 46, is “buzzing” after putting pen to paper on a one-year contract for Morwell Heart. Speaking about the move, Grella cited “two major factors” for the deal: “one, moving back to my home town and two, an opportunity to get myself back on the football map” - copies of which are available in the La Trobe Bundoora Campus Bookshop.
But anyone who’s been around footballers long enough knows that, “two major factors” in football maths is actually three: “For me the number one thing was the conversations I have had with John Aloisi over the past two months. 100%. He was the one that drove me to come back.”
But hold on! Anyone who’s been around footballers long enough knows that, “100%” in football maths is actually ”99%” a few days later. As Justin Mahon points out, ice baths in wheelie bins are the missing 1%. Thank goodness no one bothered to ask Vince about the odds of him managing more than three consecutive appearances!
Meanwhile, with the retirement of the ever dependable, one-paced Danny “nice guy” Allsopp, Melbourne Victory have dipped into the transfer kitty and signed fringe Socceroo goalkeeper, Nathan Coe from Scrabble’s SønderjyskE.
“I coached Nathan in the early stages of his career at various national team levels and he’s not only a committed footballer, but he is also a great character to have in the change room,” Ange Postecoglou said.
“F*ck,” Lawrence Thomas said.
When the Ancelottery endures a break-up (of which there have been many) we like to buck the trend. Unlike most media-hungry D-list ‘celebrities’, we refrain from taking the opportunity to shout complex repressed abuse from the passenger window of a moving car. We don’t demand to keep the Breville Platinum Wizz Mix 600 watt Bench Mixer which has been in the cupboard gathering dust for the past six months. And we definitely don’t go Hackett-ing to 60 Minutes to ‘set the story straight’. Not The Ancelottery, oh no. Dignified silence all the way.
Not everyone can handle a break-up with such warped nobility and logical clear thinking. Look at Bernie Mandic. When Harry Kewell dumped Mandic and shacked up with a new Mr. 10% - James Erskine, we knew it wouldn’t be long before Erskine and Mandic were falling out publicly. What we didn’t know is that Bernie’s “dignified silence” would last twelve months.
Now that Kewell has retreated to a safe distance (15,000km to be precise), Mandic has given what is, as far as the admittedly doltish Ancelottery can discern, a face-saving “explosive attack” about his part in last year’s contract negotiations between Kewell and Sydney FC.
Mandic, like one of those Japanese soldiers who still thinks the War is going on, isn’t ready to just lie-down and accept the blame for Kewell’s financially disappointing return to Australia. Instead he’s been busy telling anyone who will listen about the magnitude of the “staggering” $6.2million playing contract he managed to put together for Kewell, the “rent-free five-bedroom house in Sydney’s lower north shore” and the “additional training” he’d lined up for Kewell’s actor wife, Sheree Murphy. (Read between the lines Sheree).
To prove his maturity, Erskine dismissively retorted, “the deal could have been done by a pair of Labradors.”
But backbiting rancour is like water off a dog’s back to Bernie!
“I take it as a compliment, being compared to a Labrador - one of the most loyal and trusted friends a person can have,” Mandic woofed. ”James Erskine may see himself as one of the most powerful people in the Australian entertainment industry but he has found out that in the world of football he is a mere pissant that no one takes seriously,” he said, before going off to clean up the mess that his loyal and trusted labrador had made in the kitchen.
Considering that this pair are grown, adult men, the Ancelottery hasn’t seen this much dirty laundry since Sara-Marie left the Big Brother house.
Clearly, there’s only one thing for it - get Mandic and Erskine on live TV, Bosschart v. Shannon Cole style, for a ‘celebrity’ cook off - like grown, adult men.
Kati Kabab Rolls newest customer: The Leaping Esky
Former Brimbank Stallions speed-walker, Carlos Hernandez has touched down in “Football-crazy Kolkata” and given a stock unveiling speech that’s served so many footballers well down the years: “It’s absolutely fantastic, a dream come true for me. I’ve been a Prayag United fan all my life, going back to when I was a kid growing up in Guancaste, I always had a Prayag shirt on my back. So, to be here now as a Prayag player is incredible and I couldn’t be happier,” he almost said.
Those of you suffering from withdrawal symptoms of the Costa Rican “world cupper” can watch the imaginatively entitled Prayag United produced video, “Carlos at his room”. Thrill-a-minute stuff it is not.
He’s got a good touch for a big lad
Meanwhile over at Morwell, Football Operations Manager, John Didulica is getting himself in a big old funk. Talking about future Newcastle United cast off, Curtis Good, Didulica gushed, “He’s already big and strong. He’s not scared of a physical battle at all. He’s technically outstanding. He’s got a wonderful left foot. There aren’t too many players in the world, let alone Australia, who are big, strong and have a wonderful pass.”
The thrust of such a suggestion can only be explained by downright stupidity. Unless of course Didulica’s only references are Maycon, Michael Beauchamp and John Aloisi.