The Ancelottery has never been good at relationship break-ups. The difficult phone calls, the awkward silences, the arguments littered with expletives which never seem to end. Not to mention the incessant The Smiths playlist on constant looped repeat.
It would seem, not everyone struggles with separation with such blatant disdain. Sycophantic Sydney FC CEO, Dirk Melton today announced that he and touch typist’s dream, Vitezslav Lavicka, are no longer ‘an item.’ “Vitezslav as a man is beyond reproach,” Melton gushed. “He has incredible integrity, humility and honour and his warm smile, welcoming handshake and delicate touch have set a standard for everyone,” he almost said.
Like Shane and Simone Warne, Melton and Lavicka will attempt to maintain a warped sense of dignity and will continue to provide the facade of a functional relationship right up until Sydney’s predictable exit from the finals, at which point we’re guessing the “mutual agreement” will suddenly seem less mutual on Lavicka’s part.
“The boss has been fantastic since he came to the club,” babbled Sydney hacker, Terry McFlynn as he began to bolt the door shut behind Lavicka.
But Lavicka isn’t the only one heading back to Europe with a mediocre coaching career behind him. As Victory Old Boys made the announcement that Head Coach, John van’t Schip was to return to his homeland (after Heart’s predictable exit from the finals) to spend more time with Armin van Buuren, Rutger Hauer, Mr. Heineken and some blood relatives, sub-editors across the land consulted their Big Book of Painfully Predictable Headline Puns, and truly went for it.
“Schip… loses it’s captain/sails off/set to sail/to leave heart-ship!,” they screamed as the Dutch coach searched for his toolkit to begin the painstaking process of dismantling his Soltron XL-70 High Comfort Turbo Plus.
This shocking news has been pretty hard to take for the manly, testosterone filled, Morwell players. “They cried,” van’t Schip explained, when asked how his players reacted to the news. The Ancelottery can only imagine how Jon Bon Jovi is feeling.
What this means of course, is that there’s going to be a significant coaching vacancy at a minimum of four A-league clubs at season’s close. The question on everyone’s lips is: will Craig Foster put his money where his mouth is and throw his hat in the ring? Or, will he continue to fold his arms, wear shiny tight trousers, belittle David Zdrilic at every given opportunity, and offer the kind of narcolepsy-inducing tactical insight that his name has now become synonymous with?