The Ancelottery End Of Season Awards 2012
Now that the dust has settled, it’s time to hand out some poorly designed plexi-glass trinkets! It’s The Ancelottery End of Season Awards!
THE MATTHEW NEWTON AWARD FOR MOST HOPELESS ACT OF DRUNKEN BUFFOONERY
Liam Reddy, of course. En route to Wellington for Sydney FC’s elimination final with the Funix, the perpetually worried goalkeeper was obviously suffering with a bout of the old pre-match heebie-jeebies. Despite being odds on to sit on the bench for the fixture, Reddy opted for some Dutch courage and sought solace in the form of some reasonably priced amber nectar. Unfortunately for Liam, drinking fifty two cans of VB on a flight isn’t the way forward for professional athletes. Neither is going out for lunch with the opposition’s players after you’ve been told to fly home by the club’s officials. Five days later, Sydney terminated Reddy’s contract for ‘serious misconduct’. Unlucky.
THE KYLE SANDILANDS AWARD FOR MAKING FRIENDS AND INFLUENCING PEOPLE
We always knew that HMS Muscat would be a hard act to follow. With their merciless ability to stick the boot in, shout at referees and time waste, you can’t say that Jacob Burns and Terry McHack haven’t tried. But whilst every football fan loves to hate a thuggish hooligan in the middle of midfield, one individual developed a new way to gain the ire of A-league fans - hammy comic acting. Besart Berisha, the man widely known as Albania’s next James Biberi, showcased his knack at earning dodgy penalties up and down the land, leaving his finest theatrical performance for the 97th minute of the Grand Final. Add in some on-field blow ups with his own teammates and challenging Pascal Bosschaart to a fight in the car park at Suncorp and you have quite the charmer. Oh Besart! You do test us!
THE MATTY JOHNS “WHAT HAPPENS ON TOUR STAYS ON TOUR” AWARD
The Ancelottery fondly remembers a time when a disagreement was settled in the only way possible - an ungainly ruckus with the schoolyard bully, culminating in a headlock, a nipple cripple and a noogie. But noogies are so 1994. And why run the risk of hurting your knuckles when you can just summarise your displeasure in 160 characters or less?
Following Melbourne Victory’s decision to hire a British coach, Barcelona groupie, Craig Foster called the Victory board, “regressive”. This sent British-born, Robbie “Bulldog” Slater (and his 82-year old father) into an indignant rage of such intensity that, we imagine, their complexion registered ‘hot flamingo’ on the Dulux Colour Wall and Robbie was compelled to type seventeen messages on Twitter to say so. Slater’s main issue was with, Foster’s “continual racist attacks,” but he didn’t stop short in his diatribe, laughing in the face of the phrase, “what happens on tour, stays on tour,” by divulging details of a “disgraceful incident” involving Foster, a luxury item, these guys and a Tahitian jail. Allegedly. Will we ever find out what happened on that fateful night? Who knows? But in the meantime, hats off to you, Robbie Slater.
THE LIZA MINELLI “DO I HAVE TO?” AWARD
Eric Portaloo®. How unfortunate.
THE EDDIE McGUIRE CONFLICT OF INTEREST AWARD
A tricky one to call. Gold Coast United Owner, Clive Palmer was an early favourite with his, ”I don’t even like Soccer. I think it’s a hopeless game” comment, but we have to hand it to Mark Shield and the FFA for their Grand Final appointment of referee, Jared Gillett. Despite being born in Queensland and having a girlfriend who worked for finalists, Brisbane Roar, Shield still handed the whistle to the 25 year old, describing any criticism of the decision as, “out of order.” As an aside, Brisbane have the following record when Gillett is in charge of their games: W9, D3, L0.
Just saying.
THE RON SMITH AWARD FOR CLUTCHING DEFEAT FROM THE JAWS OF VICTORY
You could make a case – it wouldn’t be a very strong one, admittedly – that Melbourne Victory were the most consistent team in the A-League last season. After all, every week fans would turn up knowing that they would take the lead, tippy tap the ball around the half way line and then capitulate in the most spectacular fashion imaginable. But hey, what can you do?
Despite being widely tipped as title contenders, Mehmet Durakovic’s/Jim Magilton’s team threw away more second half points than a Championship Darts player. When questions arose about the team’s tactics, Mehm responded with insightful comments such as, “we just need the consistencies”, “we need to put the ball in the back of the net” and “that’s football.” Jim was more eloquent in his responses, but either way, they were a shower. And so was “da boss”.
THE BACK TO THE FUTURE AWARD FOR PLAYING FOOTBALL IN 1970s COMMUNIST EASTERN EUROPE
BAdelaide United’s ACL Campaign.
THE ANDY HARPER AWARD FOR SOME A-LEAGUE-ENHANCING-FAIR-DINKUM LEXICON
Not many people can begin a post-match press conference with an eight minute comedy routine about anything and nothing. Neither can they coin their own new term for their unique football “lizard system,” and then proceed to completely take over a telecast talking about it for the next fifteen minutes. And how many other head coaches would give a ten minute ‘lesson’ on how his team was going to beat the, at-the-time, undefeated Brisbane Roar? But the human headline’s best moment this season came after Peter Green’s decision to award Sydney FC a dubious penalty against Gold Coast United. Miron introduced and cemented the phrase “homie ref” into the A-league phrasebook. So, it’s with little surprise that the award goes to the madcap verbal pokie machine, Miron Bleiberg.
We miss you Miron.
THE YES, YES WE RECOGNISE ALL YOU’VE DONE FOR THE GAME BUT WILL YOU PLEASE NOW RACK OFF AND LET SOMEONE ELSE HAVE A GO LES MURRAY LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD
Les Murray. Sometimes you’re good. Usually you’re bad. Now please retire.
PLAYER OF THE YEAR
Bratwurst munching midfielder, Thomas Broich. Again.
TEAM OF THE YEAR
Brisbane Roar. Again.
COACH OF THE YEAR
Ange Postecoglou. Again.
BEST USE OF THE WORD AGAIN
Harry Kewell. Again.
Not so merry-go-round
Football is a sport renowned for backstabbing, greed and outright selfishness. Which is obviously why The Ancelottery has always felt comfortable within it’s egotistic cloak-and-dagger bug-eyed avaricious realm. If there’s a tough decision to make, especially if there’s a slight chance that someone might get upset as a result, we’ll make it.
But decisive action has never been a strong point for the Melbourne Victory board, so this week instead of making the tough call on whether to appoint interim head coach, Jim Magilton in a full-time capacity, they reached a unanimous, definitive decision in deciding to make a non-decision. Achieving something that we didn’t even know was possible - saying no without saying no.
“Jim was advised that he would be one of the candidates on a short-list of coaches vying for the permanent position, but today advised the club that he did not want to partake in this process,” a club spin-paramedic blandly clarified, managing to somehow expunge themselves of all responsibility for the acrimonious split, despite verbally offering Magilton a three year deal some weeks ago.
“(Jim stepped) into a role that he had limited background on,” Managing Director, Richard Wilson, muttered with damning faint praise. ”He left no stone unturned, tackled every issue head-on and he will only be remembered in a positive way from everyone involved in Melbourne Victory,” - everyone that is, except Matty Kemp, Roddy Vargas, Tom Pondeljak, Jean Carlos Solorzano, Leigh Broxham, The Leaping Esky, Grant Brebner, the kit man, a parking attendant and Maureen in the AAMI Park canteen.
As a result, you might be tempted to think that Victory resembles a sinking ship with a ramshackle board who don’t know what they’re doing, but have no fear, help is at hand! And this time Craig Foster should be pleased!
A source close to a source, who says that they know a man who also knows a source, whose Uncle works with a guy who once spoke to a butcher whose dog is friends with the dog of the brother of a distant Melbourne-based relative of pint-sized princess, Gianfranco Zola, says that the former Italy international is heading to Melbourne “for talks” with the board. At this moment in time it is unclear whether these these talks are about (a) Italy’s incredible entry for the 2012 Eurovision Song Contest, (b) how to get out of the notoriously tricky bunker at the 18th at Carnoustie Golf Links, or (c) the vacant Melbourne Victory coaching position (less likely), but at least The Ancelottery now knows where to go to find out.
But before we could wipe the sugo from our Sangiovese-stained lips, Zola’s Australian-based Mr. 10%, Buddy Farah has quashed any speculation, describing the rumours as “utter rubbish” - reassuring words from a man whose profession is definitely not renowned for duplicitous,low-down, double-dealing. Farah, with all the grace of Bernie Mandic, went on to endear himself to Victory fans everywhere by stating, “Besides, do you think Gianfranco Zola would come to meet the Victory board? They’d be going to meet him.”
Which now makes the coaching shortlist shorter than this coffee table bestseller:
Next up, it’s Ange Postecoglou’s turn to say ‘thanks but no thanks.’
Maybe Victory should take a leaf out of YouTube’s Jeremy Brockie’s book and upload a montage of last season’s highlights to snare themselves a new coach? One thing is for sure, it would be a short video.
Amateur hour
Before we begin, please stand, stare forlornly into space and observe a minute’s silence for Gold Coast United.
Thank you.
As you’ve probably noticed, The Ancelottery is no stranger to incompetence. Abstract reasoning, syntax and humour are just some of the things for which we display no aptitude. We don’t whinge about it, no… instead we just get on with it, striving always for mediocrity.
But, there are some incompetent people out there who have been handed fancy titles in an attempt to stop them from banging on inanely about their supposed ‘specialist subject’: Les ’Mr Football’ Murray, ‘journalist’ Tracy Grimshaw and newly appointed ‘Foreign Minister’ Bobblehead Bob Carr, we’re looking at you.
What’s all this got to do with Melbourne Victory you might be asking? Well, according to dour Scotsman, Ernie McMerrick, the Melbourne Victory board are incompetent and they have failed “to nurture a strong culture”, therefore rendering Victory “dysfunctional.”
“The board is condescending and fails to treat (fans) with respect,” he condescendingly observed, “I’m not a vindicative person,” he vindictively said, before ruining it with, “I found it remarkable to read the squad is comprised largely of ‘old and slow’ players. Rubbish!”
Ha! As if!
Meanwhile out on the pitch the incompetence continues. Victory started well enough against Perth Glory, with former Brimbank Stallions midfielder, Carlos “the Leaping Esky” Hernandez in fine form. That was before Table tennis champion, Matthew Foschini, intervened with his own version of “heads, shoulders, knees and toes.” But contrary to all of our expectations, Victory led at the break courtesy of the recently departed Mark Milligan, giving it “some violence”.
But football is a game of two halves. You know it and we know it. And it ain’t over til Kate Ceberano starts singing. Victory played the second half like they were only introduced to each other in the changing room at half time. Their abject second half performance was even less convincing than their 5-1 defeat at the hands of Perth the last time they were at the NIB. Post-game, Archie Thomspon described it as “amateur hour”, which is probably a bit harsh on St Kevin’s Old Boys SC, as there are some very good defenders in the Men’s Metropolitan League Central Reserves Division.
Still, speaking post-game, at least Jim Magilton was prepared to call a spade a sharp garden tool designed primarily for moving earth, “In the second half we just didn’t produce enough quality when it really mattered and we got punished. Our ineptitude showed through at times and our concentration levels again cost us dearly.” But who can complain when we got to hear this again?
Good news for Jim Magilton though, whose job, by all accounts, as Coach In Charge Of Arguing With Harry Kewell is safe. His record of five defeats, five draws and two wins, has been good enough to get himself a “J. Magilton (Head Coach)” plaque next to a space in the AAMI Park car lot. That is, until the Melbourne Victory board sacks him for getting a bad score on Words With Friends, or for winning five trophies.
Big Jim took over at Victory with the club sixth on the ladder, one point adrift of a finals berth. And they end the season in eighth spot, eight points adrift from a finals spot. If that’s not progress, The Ancelottery doesn’t know what is.
***LATE BREAKING NEWS***
You know what they say, give one hundred monkeys, one hundred typewriters and eventually they’ll come up with a premature press release about Roddy Vargas.
On a serious note though, the incompetence doesn’t stop there! Anxious to prove that even non-football departments can get involved, Melbourne Victory’s webmasteramateur couldn’t help themselves in releasing this need-to-know-basis-not-for-public-consumption-don’t-publish news today, before promptly withdrawing it.
Comforting for Roddy we’re sure. On the upside Roddy, we heard that Brimbank Stallions are on the lookout for a work shy midfielder. Every cloud and all that.
It’s a Knockout!!
Filmed in front of a live audience at 8pm on a Friday night, the I’maMelbourneVictoryBigWipeoutSurvivorCelebrityBrotherIdol contestants are now down to ten! And the show just keeps on getting hotter as the contestants battle it out to win the ultimate prize - a new contract!
Regular viewers will remember last week’s episode, when elderly contestant, Tommy P, was sent packing with a commemorative carriage clock and a Mehmet Durakovic pin badge, ever to be remembered simply as, “the guy who went out first.”
Who will fall by the wayside this week!?!
(Cue dramatic montage sequence)
After last week’s horror show in the Sydney Immunity Challenge, all eyes are on eBay Luzardo’s efforts to convince a hostile crowd that he’s not the Kyle Sandilands of the current series. Paired with a new partner, it’s only a matter of time until this ‘Intruder’ is evicted.
Next up is Diogo Ferriera who seems to have nicely avoided the “Pit of Leigh Broxham’s ability”. He’s playing it safe, very safe, but will he have the social game to go all the way?
BAM!!! A contestant’s down! What a hit! Last year’s winner, Marco Rojas, will be seeing a procession of bright pink Manny Muscats cha-cha-cha-ing around his head a good 18 hours after being hit at 100kmph by that elbow! That will surely rule him out not just of this competition but also Young Talent Time.
Meanwhile Brazilian defender Fabio better learn the forgotten art of defending, and fast, otherwise he’ll be blubbering down the barrel of a lens at Morwell Heart!
Bookies favourite, Grant Brebner, has done his chances no harm (mostly by not playing) but is banking all his money on his ability to win over guest judge, Craig Foster, with his British accent and agricultural style of football. Hoof!!
And there are suggestions, although possibly from every other A-league team, that Matty “one paced” Kemp should be handed a contract.
But no! In a dramatic turn of events, it’s an amazing double eviction!! Jean Carlos Solorzano and Carlos Hernandez are both sent packing back to Costa Rica! It’s an unbelievable outcome that absolutely has nothing to do with the program makers cutting their budget for I’maMelbourneVictoryBigWipeoutSurvivorCelebrityBrotherIdol 2: Fear of the Unknown.
Coming up next week:
Having navigated the INSURMOUNTABLE WALL (of visa issues),Julius Davies has his eye firmly on the prize. Plus, we have an exclusive preview of next year’s newest contestant! Now that he’s wiped the dribble off of his bib, we have an exclusive chat with former Clive Parmigiana’s nursery contestant, Adama Troare! All this and more, as Victory try to address the alarming trend of actually winning games! Don’t miss it!
